Winter humor

Discussion in 'Community Forum' started by Tim T, Feb 10, 2014.

  1. Tim T

    Tim T 12 pointer

    3,637
    13
    Mar 29, 2007
    Shepherdsville
    As a trucker stops at a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you're losing some of your load."
    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
    When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde's car. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it's Winter in Kentucky and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!"
     
  2. OldEarnhardtFan

    OldEarnhardtFan 10 pointer

    1,511
    5
    Jan 16, 2014
    Northeast of Berea
    A classic but still way good!
     
  3. hunting buddy

    hunting buddy 12 pointer

    2,475
    0
    Oct 23, 2010
    bg
    Haha! I think I dated her!
     
  4. fcfishking

    fcfishking 8 pointer

    782
    0
    Apr 11, 2010
    Fairdale, KY
    A woman is all scared and goes to her local preacher. "Rev, I don't know what to do cause every time Bubba comes home drunk, he threatens to beat me up and starts yelling at me.......what can I do?" The Rev says "Sister Sue, I have the perfect cure for that.......next time he comes home drunk, immediately go to the kitchen, get a big glass of water, and just start swishing it around in your mouth until he stops". She looks at him like he is crazy but he says "trust me...it will work". Well, a couple weeks she comes in and she is singing the praises of the new fix....."Rev, it works great, but how does swishing that water like that stop him from beating me"..............The Rev says..."it keeps your mouth shut"...............Don't go home and tell your wife that unless she has a better sense of humor than mine!
     
  5. KYBH4Life

    KYBH4Life Banned

    7,411
    3
    Feb 13, 2011
    I lol'd then got my wife to read it, then lol'd again when I got "the look"
     
  6. DH13

    DH13 12 pointer

    7,997
    3,811
    Jan 13, 2012
    Shelby county
    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving?"
     
  7. fcfishking

    fcfishking 8 pointer

    782
    0
    Apr 11, 2010
    Fairdale, KY
    I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
    I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
    "No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
    "Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
    "No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
    "Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
    "Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
    "Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
    The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
    I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting.
     
  8. fcfishking

    fcfishking 8 pointer

    782
    0
    Apr 11, 2010
    Fairdale, KY
    I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
    Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
    I returned to the dealer yesterday
    Because I couldn't get the radio to work.
    The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.
    'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
    The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'
    'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again 'Came from the speakers.
    Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant' Georgia On My Mind'replaced Willie Nelson.
    I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
    Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
    I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
    'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.
    Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
    And nearly creamed my new truck ,
    But I swerved in time to avoid him.
    I yelled, 'DUMB ASS!'
    Immediately the radio responded with, Ladies and gentlemen,
    The President of The United States
    Damn I love this truck....
     
  9. fcfishking

    fcfishking 8 pointer

    782
    0
    Apr 11, 2010
    Fairdale, KY
    Okay.....my last one for the day...........I promise

    4 guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line mercedes for christmas. The second guy said, "damn, thats terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he owns the majority of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a christmas gift! the third man said. "well thats terrific! my son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion! the 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? one of the three guys said, "were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "wat about ur son?" they asked the 4th guy. the fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said, " thats a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. " nah, im not ashamed hes my son and i love him..and he hasnt done too badly either. Just this çhristmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.
     
  10. DH13

    DH13 12 pointer

    7,997
    3,811
    Jan 13, 2012
    Shelby county
    A old man goes to see his doctor...



    An extremely wealthy 80-year-old arrived for his annual check-up and smiled when the doctor enquired about his health. "Never better," he announced proudly. "I've taken an 18-year-old bride, and she's pregnant. What do you think of that?" The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "I once knew a guy who was an avid hunter. One day he slept in, and in the subsequent rush, he dashed out with his umbrella instead of his rifle." "Go on, doc," said the old-timer "Deep in the woods, he faced a huge, angry bear, raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear, and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" Dumbfounded, the old codger shook his head. "The bear fell dead in front of him." "That's impossible," exclaimed the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have been doing the shooting." Sighing, the doctor gave his patient a friendly pat on the back. "That's what I'm getting at."
     
  11. DH13

    DH13 12 pointer

    7,997
    3,811
    Jan 13, 2012
    Shelby county
    Gassy Granny

    An old lady goes to the doctor and says, "I have this problem with frequent gas. Fortunately, the farts never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here, and I bet you didn't even notice!"

    The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back next week."

    The next week the old lady returns. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my silent farts stink like the dickens."

    The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."
     
  12. DH13

    DH13 12 pointer

    7,997
    3,811
    Jan 13, 2012
    Shelby county
    Blonde's Appendicitis

    A blonde has sharp pains in her side. The doctor examines her and says, "You have acute appendicitis."

    The blonde says, "That's sweet, doc, but I came here to get medical help."
     
  13. DH13

    DH13 12 pointer

    7,997
    3,811
    Jan 13, 2012
    Shelby county
    Ole Boy decided to settle down.He found what he thought was the right Girl dated for awhile then they got married.
    They settled in a cozy little home to where he would go to work from every morning by the way of a Taxi Cab.
    He took the Cab to work for about 2 weeks and always the same driver took him to work.
    After 2 weeks the Taxi driver spoke up and asked Why don't you and your wife just take the same Taxi to work? It would save on the fair and I could drop you off first the proceed to her job.Save you money.
    The ole Boy spoke up You must have me mixed up with someone else my wife does not work.
    The driver said well im sure she does because I go right back to your house after I drop you off and pick her up.
    The ole Boy confused said Well in the morning you come and get me drop me off at work.When you go and pick her up after you drop her off come back and get me and take me to where she works.
    So the next morning the Taxi driver does what the ole Boy wanted.He picked him up dropped him at work,went back picked up the wife dropped her off at work,then went back and picked the ole Boy back up and took him to where she worked.
    When the Taxi driver pulled up and stopped where the ole Boy wife worked the ole Boy started crying.The Taxi driver said Whats the matter Bud? The ole Boy replies back Do you know what this is? This is a BROTHEL.I cant believe it this just cant.
    So the ole Boy looks at the Taxi driver and said will you go in and bring my wife out? Im so afraid of what I might do if I go and get her.
    The Taxi driver agrees.He gets out of the Taxi goes in and is gone for about 10 minutes.He comes out dragging a woman by the head of the hair kicking her and slapping her all the way.The ole Boy jumps out of the Taxi yelling STOP STOP THATS NOT MY WIFE.I TOLD YOU YOU WAS WRONG.The Taxi driver goes NO NO this is my wife yours is still in there.
     
  14. hunting buddy

    hunting buddy 12 pointer

    2,475
    0
    Oct 23, 2010
    bg
  15. timer

    timer 10 pointer

    1,673
    1,666
    Feb 20, 2013
    La Grange
    Great stories....
     

Share This Page