Trapper Delk
12 pointer
If that happens to me you'll be reading my obituary! Right @woodsman92
Joke thread
- Thread starter Carl
- Start date
Little FR
12 pointer
Giving a $2 bill at Dairy Queen. I just shut that place down for 15 minutes.
I literally read it to the kid “This note is legal tender for all debts public and private”. They had to call a manager to verify the bill. Finally an older lady came off the grill in the back, gave the cashier 2 $1 bills, stuck it in her purse and went back to cooking. My order was all kinds of jacked up.
I literally read it to the kid “This note is legal tender for all debts public and private”. They had to call a manager to verify the bill. Finally an older lady came off the grill in the back, gave the cashier 2 $1 bills, stuck it in her purse and went back to cooking. My order was all kinds of jacked up.
woodsman92
10 pointer
haha! I don’t believe 2 women can sit quietly, that’s a fairytale instead of a joke
Mt Pokt
8 pointer
Did the same thing with dollar coins at a UDF I frequent by my office. I keep a couple in my pocket for the opportune moment.
Got a cup of coffee and handed 2 of them to a youngster working the register.
"We don't accept those here."
After some debate I asked for the manager. She stuck her head out from the office to holler at me to stop harassing the young folks.
Man walks into a bar and sits down next to a blonde just as the 10:00 o'clock news is coming on. Leed story is about a man on a high rise building about to jump. Man pulls out a 20 dollar bill and says to the blonde I bet he jumps. Blonde says I'll take that bet. Just then the man jumps. Man says I can't take your money I already saw this on the 5 o'clock news. Blonde says I saw it to but I didn't think he would do it again. Man takes the money.
Cornpile
12 pointer
A hot looking 40 yrs old woman was standing in line at the
grocery store. She was eyeing the young tanned muscle ripping boy sacking
her groceries. He then asked her if she wanted him to wheel her bags out
to her car. As they were going out the front door,she whispered into his ear
I got a itchypus-y.... He then Looked at her and said,,, Mam,you will have to show
me your car,all those foreign cars look a like to me......
grocery store. She was eyeing the young tanned muscle ripping boy sacking
her groceries. He then asked her if she wanted him to wheel her bags out
to her car. As they were going out the front door,she whispered into his ear
I got a itchypus-y.... He then Looked at her and said,,, Mam,you will have to show
me your car,all those foreign cars look a like to me......
Johnny Carson was friends with Robby Benson. Don't know how they got introduced or why they were friends....Anyway, Carson invited Benson and his wife over to his house to have dinner. When Carson opened the door, there was Benson, his wife and a dog. Carson didn't say anything, but he thought it was rude that Benson brought the dog along. The dog was fairly well behaved, but misbehaved just enough to kinda get on Carson's nerves. At the end of the evening, Carson finally brought up to Benson that he was a little uncomfortable that he had brought his dog to their dinner.
Benson said, "That's not my dog."
Benson said, "That's not my dog."
A woman needing a couple days off went to work and told her blonde co-worker that she was going to do something crazy so her boss would send her home. She hung upside down just as her boss came in. What are you doing he said. I'm a light bulb she says. Go home for a couple days and destress he says. She turns to leave with the blonde behind her. The boss says to the blonde and where are you going. You don't expect me to work in the dark do you she says.
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, what are you doing? She replies, I'm off to New York I read that prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free. Later on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. Where are you going she asks? I'm coming with you. I want to see how you live on $800. a year.
Luther's Feist
10 pointer
Man was stranded on an island with a pig and a doberman. Plenty of food and water available. After 6 months or so the fella was getting lonely and the back end of the sow was looking mighty tempting, every time he would approach the pig the doberman would growl and try to bite him. He was getting very desperate and the pig was looking better and better. One day he saw something had floated up on the shore. When he went to investigate he found it was a very beautiful woman who was unconscious. After several days he managed to nurse her back to health. The woman kept expressing her gratitude for him saving her life. She offered to do anything he wanted. Without hesitation he asked could she take his dog for a walk
00noturkey
12 pointer
Well, this ain't really a joke. is there a funny story thread.
my pc was acting up. i coudnt figure out what it was. so i when through the blockers an such. tried everything i could in both OS's. [got two on one drive] man it was driving me crazy. so i tried a different wireless mouse, but that didnt come with instructions. [Logitech], so i figured it must be in my keyboard or mouse [optical wireless marble mouse]. the mouse is 20 years old, and also made by Logitech. cost 75 in 2002. i thought it had finally give up the ghost. they are both really old. so i was look for something on my desk, after i got some of the stuff moved, the receiver was turned backwards.
they quite making these mice because they last so long. guess i'll ride the storm out as long as it last. ya cant find a new one as good as this.
i have been working on this keyboard for a while, to get it cleaned up. however i managed to spill a couple oz., of JB on it. had to remove a lot of keys, just to get the sticky off. i got them clean again. then dont ya know, i knocked my drink over.
i hadnt even started drinking yet. so i remove all thy keys, an drop them in a bucket with water in it.
later, i take the bucket upstairs where the bathroom sink is, so i dont loose any. it has a plunger type, thing to close the drain.. so i poor the bucket out into the sink. after i get the keys rinsed off good, i scoop them up an put them back in the bucket. the second time i do this i notice, or remember the 22 year old sink, has a bigger drain hole at the top, an several of my keys, are in there. i did manage to save 1 out of 5.
my pc was acting up. i coudnt figure out what it was. so i when through the blockers an such. tried everything i could in both OS's. [got two on one drive] man it was driving me crazy. so i tried a different wireless mouse, but that didnt come with instructions. [Logitech], so i figured it must be in my keyboard or mouse [optical wireless marble mouse]. the mouse is 20 years old, and also made by Logitech. cost 75 in 2002. i thought it had finally give up the ghost. they are both really old. so i was look for something on my desk, after i got some of the stuff moved, the receiver was turned backwards.
they quite making these mice because they last so long. guess i'll ride the storm out as long as it last. ya cant find a new one as good as this.
i have been working on this keyboard for a while, to get it cleaned up. however i managed to spill a couple oz., of JB on it. had to remove a lot of keys, just to get the sticky off. i got them clean again. then dont ya know, i knocked my drink over.
i hadnt even started drinking yet. so i remove all thy keys, an drop them in a bucket with water in it.
later, i take the bucket upstairs where the bathroom sink is, so i dont loose any. it has a plunger type, thing to close the drain.. so i poor the bucket out into the sink. after i get the keys rinsed off good, i scoop them up an put them back in the bucket. the second time i do this i notice, or remember the 22 year old sink, has a bigger drain hole at the top, an several of my keys, are in there. i did manage to save 1 out of 5.
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Little FR
12 pointer
A police officer pulls over an old lady for speeding. He asks for her driver’s license and registration. When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.
He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”
She responds that she has a derringer in her purse, a .357 in the glove box, a .44 in the center console and a 20ga in the trunk.
The police officer is taken aback and once he gathers himself asks “Ma’am, what are you afraid of?”
The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a darn thing.”
He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”
She responds that she has a derringer in her purse, a .357 in the glove box, a .44 in the center console and a 20ga in the trunk.
The police officer is taken aback and once he gathers himself asks “Ma’am, what are you afraid of?”
The old lady looks him in the eye and says, “Not a darn thing.”
A little first grade girl is listening as her teacher is talking about whales and how large they are and how small their throats are. The little girl asks how the whale swallowed Jonah. The teacher says that would be impossible since the whale has such a small throat. The little girl says I don't believe you and I will ask Jonah when I get to heaven. The teacher asks what if Jonah went to hell. The little girl says "then you can ask him".
It was the week before valentines day and a rich guy and a poor guy were riding side by side on a plane. The poor guy asks the rich guy... I don't mean to get in your business but what does a man of your stature get his wife for valentines day? The rich man says I'm getting her diamond earrings and a brand new Mercedes. The poor man says dang that's nice. Rich man says well there's a catch if she doesn't like her earrings she can drive her new car and get what she wants. Win win for me. Rich guy says since you asked me I'm gonna ask you. What does a man of your stature get his wife. Poor guy says I'm getting my wife flip flops and a dildo. Rich guy says really? Poor guy says yeah.. that way if she doesn't like the flip flops she can go screw herself.
bobkg3
Spike
- Nov 2, 2014
- 91
I got a new nickname for my girlfriend
Goldfish!
Cause when I dining from the “backside” sometimes she looks back over her shoulder and smiles.
So, Goldfish the snack that smiles back lol
Goldfish!
Cause when I dining from the “backside” sometimes she looks back over her shoulder and smiles.
So, Goldfish the snack that smiles back lol
