Joke thread

[Carl]

I thought we already had one but I couldn't find it so I'll start another one.
This China flu and political crap raises my Blood Pressure so I figure a chuckle or 2 might help us all.
I don't know any new ones but here goes:

The elderly woman went to her doctor for her 6 month checkup. After her checkup the doctor, as usual, asked her how life was going for her. She told him she was fine but she worried about her husband of 50 years. It seems he is losing his.... ummm... drive. They hadn't been intimate in 5 months. The doctor gave her a sample of the little blue pills and instructed her to put one in his morning coffee. On her next visit to the doctor the routine went as always. Upon asking her how life was going for her and if the little blue pills did the trick. She responded.. "Life couldn't be better, I did as you instructed and put a pill in his morning coffee and 30 minutes later he took me right there on the table." "Of course",she said, "we are no longer allowed in McDonald's"

What's the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts?
Beer nuts are $3.29 a pound and deer nuts are just under a buck.

 

[Carl]

The baby was coming way too fast so the paramedics were called. To make it worse, when they arrived, there was a power outage.
The paramedics asked the four year old sister to hold the flashlight for them.

Despite the difficulties, all went well and the mother delivered a baby boy.
The paramedic smacked him on the behind and he began to cry.

Looking over at the wide eyed little girl, the paramedic asked her what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
She said,
"That naughty boy should have never crawled in there. Spank him again!"

 

[Carl]

This guy's at a bar, and it's really late.
He's been drinking hard all night, and is so tanked he falls backwards right off the bar stool onto the floor.
He slowly climbs back up, takes another swig and slides right back onto the floor.
Finally, this other guy is sympathetic and offers to drive the guy home.
On the way out to the car, the drunk falls over a few times, and crawls the rest of the way to the car.
When they get to his house, he can't even walk, and falls five times on the way to his own front door.

The good Samaritan helps him the rest of the way, and rings the doorbell.

The drunk's wife opens the door.
He says, "Sorry to wake you ma'am. Your husband's had a few too many, so I drove him home for you."
The wife gratefully responds,
"Thank you, sir, that's very kind of you." "But where's his wheelchair?"

 

[DH13]

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”

The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband making love to the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

 

[Carl]

 

[Carl]

There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk.
When the bar closed, he got up to go home.
As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.
So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face.
Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again.
This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt.
Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.
By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much.
So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said;
"Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

 

[DH13]

I almost got raped in jail last night. My family got way to serious playing the monopoly game.

 

[Carl]

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off." The man replies, "And how would you do that?" The woman says, "Just wait and see."
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?" The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb." The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

 

[DH13]

One morning Tom calls to his boss:
- Good morning, boss, unfortunately I'm not coming to work today. I'm really sick. I got a headache, stomach ache, and my both hands and legs hurt, so I'm not coming into work."
The boss replies:
- You know Tom, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife, and tell her to give me sex. That makes me feel better, and I can go to work. You should try that.
2 hours later Bob calls:
- Boss, I followed your advise, and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got nice house.

 

[Carl]

How to debate the age old question with women,

Men are pretty "deep thinkers",, the other day the age old question of what's more "painful", giving birth or getting kicked in the nuts?

I believe there's a simple answer to that...... it's "getting kicked in the nuts"!

Although I have no way of knowing for certain,, consider this,, after giving birth, at some time later the woman will likely mention a desire to have another child. I've yet to hear any man say he would like to be kicked in the nuts again!

 

[Carl]

Guy walks into a fancy bar and the Waiter says "I'm sorry Sir, but need to to be wearing a neck-tie to be served here."
The guy walks back out to his car and searches for a tie.... frustrated, and thirsty, he opens his trunk and grabs his set of jumper cables, wraps them around his neck, and ties them into a perfect Windsor knot.
He takes one step into the bar and the Waiter sees him and his make shift neck-tie and says...
"Well, I'll let it slide for now... but don't you try to start somethin".

 

[DH13]

Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man: "Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "But isn't that hostile?"
Man: "Yes, horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "No, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."

 

[DH13]

Ole Kentucky country boy got drafted to go to war. After 8 weeks of basic training,the Drill Sgt. got the platoon together told them they were going home for a week. Then come back to be deployed to go to war. So they all left went home. After a week they came back. The Drill Sgt asked them what was they first thing they did when they arrived home. Some said went out got a good steak dinner. Some said went visit family and friends. When he got to the ole Kentucky country boy he asked him the same question. What was the first thing you did when you got home? Without missing a beat. Ole boy replied I made love to my girlfriend. The Sgt asked what was the second thing you did? Ole boy said I dropped both my duffle bags.

 

[Carl]

A blonde woman goes ice fishing. She has all her equipment and gets ready to cut into the ice. Suddenly a voice says "there are no fish under the ice". So she moves aways and decides to try there. Again the voice "there are no fish under the ice". So she moves again. Again the voice telling her there are no fish under the ice. So she says "is that you Lord telling me there are no fish?" "no" comes the voice again, "I'm the manager of the hockey rink".

 

[Carl]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee,and a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier.

While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said, "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."