Cracker Barrel Announces Plans To Build Another One Out By The Highway

[westkybanded]

ALDERWINE, MO—

Cracker Barrel CEO Michael Woodhouse announced Tuesday that the restaurant and retail chain would expand to a new location out by Highway 18, near the Harmon Road turnoff.
Enlarge Image Cracker Barrel Sign

The sign for the Cracker Barrel down by the ball fields

"At Cracker Barrel, our mission is to give our customers hearty, all-American food and old license plates on the walls to look at while they eat," said Woodhouse, gesturing toward a scale model of the future restaurant, which is the same model used for all new location announcements. "That's why we're proud to announce our newest location, just up a ways past the Flying J."

The new location will be the fourth Cracker Barrel in town, fifth if you count the one half a mile from the city limits where the dirt track speedway used to be.

The decision to build one, Woodhouse said, was based on months of extensive internal research indicating that people around here like to eat, like to drive, and are willing to drive to eat.

"Our data showed that folks driving north out of town might like a Cracker Barrel in the immediate area," Woodhouse said. "I always said there should be one out that way anyhow, so no matter which direction you're heading out, you can always stop at a Cracker Barrel."

The new restaurant puts Cracker Barrel on track to outpace its chief rival, Bob Evans, which has only three locations in the whole county. While some have expressed concern that the increased traffic congestion may pose a problem for people on their way to church or the Winn-Dixie, reaction to the news has been largely positive.
Enlarge Image cracker map

"New Cracker Barrel, huh?" motorist Marlon Wentz said. "Well, all right."

This newest Cracker Barrel will offer the chain's signature cuisine of fried chicken, biscuits and gravy, and grits, as well as its usual rustic, old-timey decor, replete with big jars of penny candy and merchandise such as ceramic chickens, berry-scented candles, teddy bears wearing American flag sweatshirts, and wooden-peg "IQ tests." The waitstaff will be comprised almost exclusively of matronly Caucasian females who pepper their conversation with the word "darlin'."

"The down-home cooking, the Americana-themed souvenirs—Cracker Barrel's all about preserving a special way of life," Woodhouse said. "Plus, we got a gross of these salt and pepper shakers shaped like silos, and they need to go somewhere."

Woodhouse also revealed that the location would have its own "real tall sign that lights up, so you won't be able to miss it if you try."

"We'll be listed on those gas-food-lodging exit signs on the highway too," Woodhouse said. "You know, the ones that tell you if gas, food, or lodging is nearby."

The restaurant is scheduled to be open for business in approximately three months. Ground-breaking will begin next Wednesday, and construction will be handled by the fellows who do pretty much all the building around here.

Woodhouse confirmed that Cracker Barrel is considering opening additional locations in the near future, like one near where the Black Cat fireworks stand is now, and another down by that speed trap that gets people if they aren't careful.

"We got a good thing going here," said Woodhouse, leaning back in his rocking chair. "Can't see why we shouldn't just keep on keeping on with it."

[westkybanded]

Banjo Player Sought In Hootenanny Spree


BOSTON—

Truck driver and banjo player Jay "Snapbean" Holcomb was named a "person of interest" by Boston police Tuesday in its investigation of a series of unannounced and boisterous hootenannies responsible for bringing sections of the city to a virtual standstill over the past several weeks.
Enlarge Image Banjo Player

Snapbean delights the entire Boston Stock Exchange with a rousing rendition of "Rollin' in My Sweet Baby's Arms."

"Just a few minutes ago, I was on my way to Jamba Juice when I heard a high-lonesome voice yodel 'Hey y'all!'" said Credit Suisse Boston vice president of asset management Stanley Hedges, who reported that his firm has lost more than a thousand man-hours to Holcomb's random acts of old-time quick-steppin'. "Then he started that old banjo to sing; you could hear it talk, you could hear it ring. And as I felt myself start to do-si-do, all I could think was, Not again."

Holcomb, 42, known far and wide for his vigorous rolling style of picking and his good-timey, fast-tempo breakdowns, matches a description given by hundreds of eyewitnesses of an upbeat, banjo-toting, vest-sporting man with a clawhammer style that he must have learned from the Devil himself.

Authorities said that Tuesday's barn-burner claimed over 300 roisterers. Although no actual barns were burned, victims of Holcomb's impromptu celebrations say they are ill-timed and disruptive.

"These constant hootenannings must stop," said Mayor Thomas Menino, an outspoken critic since the front doors of historic Faneuil Hall were taken off their hinges and laid in the street to provide a dancing surface during a particularly spirited jamboree three weeks ago. "They're fine once in a while, like when the city brings in a record harvest, or when the schoolmarm agrees to marry Ol' Doc Blanchett. But a high-steppin' weekday ruckus is unbefittin' to a big, important county seat like Boston, and as mayor, I won't stand for these fool shenanigans."

Though the spontaneous acts of bluegrass have been characterized as "hell-raisin'," they have yet to cause significant injury, aside from damage inflicted on numerous brooms and washtubs converted into bass fiddles, and dozens of pairs of spoons bent while being repurposed as percussive aids. In addition, several clotheslines in the Beacon Hill neighborhood were trodden under by escaped hogs, at least one of which wound up wearing an area resident's best Sunday dress while Bostonians chased it through the already chaotic downtown traffic.

Despite the relatively harmless fun, many peace-loving residents now live in fear of being swept up in the exhausting yet irresistible revels.

"I was already late for work last Monday morning when that smiling fellow started that hootenanny on [Boston Common]," stockbroker Sid Daley said. "It's one thing when infectious banjo music compels you to grab the nearest washboard or empty jug and join along on a Friday night or a Saturday afternoon, but on a Monday morning, when I have meetings? There's a time and a place for letting this kind of deal go down, is all I'm saying."

Holcomb, born and raised in the hill country of Somerville, reportedly has a history of salty-dog-like behavior, beginning in his youth, when he was often reprimanded at school for rowdy folk-music-related behavior. By the time he was 18, Holcomb had joined a local gang of bluegrass boys, and started acting on his pathological hootennanish impulses.

"We think Mr. Holcomb fits the profile of a hootenanny ringleader and has the skills to pull off something even bigger," Boston Police Commissioner Edward Davis said. "Wingdings, shindigs, pig pickin's—we're sure he's capable of those, too. He may enlist the help of other banjoists, perhaps even fiddle players, and throw a full-blown hoedown."

"I do declare," added Davis, removing his hat and wiping his brow. "The people of Boston have to be prepared for the absolute gol-durndest."

[B.M. Barrelcooker]

you my friend are gettin better than the drudge report. tallyho