A couple of women jokes

[Art]

Don't nobody get offended, it's only a joke....:D

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.
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Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
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Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows
them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
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How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..."
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How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
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Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to
build up the required pressure.
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If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
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What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told.
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I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.
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Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes
a woman's sex drive by 90%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
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Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can
walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut, and still think they are sexy.
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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[Dev]

I'm trying to decide if I should forward this to my girlfriend or not! :)

[Art]

I'm trying to decide if I should forward this to my girlfriend or not! :)

NO! Not a good idea! :D

[Dev]

Thanks for the advice! Do you remember the Red Neck wedding photos on here? I sent her those and she actually like them. She said that it would be neat. :eek: Couldn't believe that.

[kentucky_redneck]

I wouldnt DEV ART it right dont do it. I showed my wife the one why do men fart more then women, and she hit me 3 times on the are and said that isnt true. :D

[B.G.O. of Kentucky]

That is hilarious! Thanks for the early morning laughs!

[keith meador]

okay, im not getting it, i have read arts post several times and cannot find the joke...i keep finding the facts as known by all men, but cannot find the jokes? could someone please help me......LOL

[plowboy]

Send it on Dev, she needs to know about the real world now.:cool:

[Dev]

I better not send her your post PlowBoy! I guess that would give me the rest of deer and duck season free! Nah...better not go and do that. Thanks for the advice though. ;)

[Art]

I better not send her your post PlowBoy! I guess that would give me the rest of deer and duck season free! Nah...better not go and do that. Thanks for the advice though. ;)

Ahh, just blame it on me. Just send them and tell her you just wanted her to see what type of crazy BS some guy posted on this forum and how you just couldn't believe that someone could make up such lies.

It'll get you on her good side, because in the back of her mind she knows it's true and will think you are truely unique, which in-turn will make her treat you better..

[Dev]

Sounds like you need a hunting partner for this fall/winter!

[PhilpotHunter]

Its all fun and games until Leggy gets on here and see's it, then your ass is grass!:D

[leggyarcher]

As Art would say, "Don't nobody get offended, these are just jokes..." :D


Q.How do men define a "50/50" relationship?
A.We cook-they eat; we clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

Q. How do men exercise on the beach?
A. By sucking in their stomachs every time they see a bikini.

Q. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?
A. Make him wear shoes.

Q. How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A. Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals."

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What makes a man think about a candlelight dinner?
A. A power failure.

Q. What should you give a man who has everything?
A. A woman to show him how to work it.

Q. What do men and mascara have in common?
A. They both run at the first sign of emotion.

Q. What do you instantly know about a well-dressed man?
A. His wife is good at picking out clothes.

Q. What's a man's idea of honestly in a relationship?
A. Telling you his real name.

Q. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.

Q. What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?
A. Big Foot's been spotted a several times.

Q. What's the smartest thing a man can say?
A. "My wife says..."

Q. Why do men like smart women?
A. Opposites attract.

Q. Why do men need instant replay on TV sports?
A. Because after 30 seconds they forget what happened.

Q. Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A. Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.



Philpot is right Art :D ...Remember, I know where you live...you'd better start hauling tail out of there! :D :p
Actually, I am not offended at all. And, guys I recommend that you all do forward this to your wives/girlfriends. Trust me, I don't think they will be angry at all. It should make for a good conversation starter....:D ;) TL

[Art]

Its all fun and games until Leggy gets on here and see's it, then your ass is grass!:D

Leggy knows it all in good fun. BTW, I think she has posted her share or men jokes if I'm not mistaken.:D

[leggyarcher]

Leggy knows it all in good fun. BTW, I think she has posted her share or men jokes if I'm not mistaken.:D

I am not offended at all. I think it's funny and I have posted several jokes about guys. It's just a way to relieve the tension. I know it's all in good fun. So, Art post away about the gals...:)

[Art]

I could probably dig up some offending material if I tried. I *think* there might be some on my computer.:D Just remember this is a PG-13 forum and my girlfriend doesn't read it , otherwise I'd post the good stuff!:D

[Dawg]

I am going to send it to the new girl friend, might as well test the waters early.:D

[leggyarcher]

I am going to send it to the new girl friend, might as well test the waters early.:D

Go for it! Let us know how much she enjoys it. :D

[Dawg]

After she read it she said she was glad I didn't think that way. Got her fooled already:D

[leggyarcher]

After she read it she said she was glad I didn't think that way. Got her fooled already:D


She's not fooled...she is just weaving her web...she'll use it against you later on down the road. :D

[aceoky]

Thanks those were great!(both sets):D

Now Leggy, help me out(poor ole confuse man and all).....HOW can you place the remote between his toes, thought you were making him wear shoes?? :D :D

[leggyarcher]

Now Leggy, help me out(poor ole confuse man and all).....HOW can you place the remote between his toes, thought you were making him wear shoes?? :D :D


He only has to wear shoes when he gets the urge to bite his toenails...the remote location is not limited just between his toes.... the wife/girlfriend can hide it under the sofa, in another room, etc....:D :D Do you search for the remote for a long period of time or just give up and watch whatever is already on Ace? :D :cool:

[aceoky]

He only has to wear shoes when he gets the urge to bite his toenails...the remote location is not limited just between his toes.... the wife/girlfriend can hide it under the sofa, in another room, etc....:D Do you search for the remote for a long period of time or just give up and watch whatever is already on Ace? :D :cool:

Niether! That's why we had children! :D Hey find me the remote ok? :D Since I spend most of my TV time on the Outdoor Channel, seriously not a problem(the boys watch other things so they'd better either leave the remote where it was or put it back on the OC! ;)

[leggyarcher]

Ace, admit it, you watch more cartoons and decorating shows than you do anything outdoor related. :D