Jokes...

[Carl]

A place for good clean jokes....that would be funny lol:)

[Remington12]

A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" the guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes i am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sauseage, would you ask if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me it I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya, huh? Would ya?" The clerk says, "Well, no." With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, "Well alright then, why did you ask me if I was Polish just because I asked for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

[Remington12]

A filthy rich man in Florida decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who is brave enough to jump in." The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its butt! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor. The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.

Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief! Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars. "No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy. The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then? "No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy. The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options? Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?" Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbitch who pushed me in the pool."

[Landguy]

I liked that one!!! LMAO

[deerhunter401]

1. CLICK ON THE LINK

2. PUT THE COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE

3. CHOOSE YOUR DRINK

4. CLICK ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY

5. CLICK ON "APRI"

ENJOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't forget to click on < APRI >

http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf (http://www.cartoline.it/pics/_zoom_flash.htm?immagine=scherzi_150404_01.swf)

[deerhunter401]

A Senator drinks his Tequila and suddenly throws his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says "In the Senate, we're so wasteful that we never drink from the same glass twice. A Congressman who's obviously impressed by this, drinks his Brandy, throws his glass into the air, pulls out his pistol and shoots the glass to pieces. He says, "In Congress we're so wasteful we don't need to drink out of the same glass twice either!"

A US Marine sitting at the end of the bar having just returned from Iraq, picks up his beer and drinks it, throws his bottle into the air, pulls out his M-9 Beretta and shoots the Senator and the Congressman. The bartender, astonished, looks at the Marine and askes why he'd just shot those two other gentlemen. The Marine, calm as a cucumber, says "We have so many damn politicians in this country that I make sure I never have to listen to the same one twice."

GOD BLESS THE USA!!!

[deerhunter401]

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LINK (http://www.rio.com.br/animation/iconstory.htm)

[deerhunter401]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little nuts, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
===============================================

An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"

"Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."


=========================================
AND THE BEST FOR LAST.

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk just sits there.

Finaly, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either.

[deerhunter401]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs. One night he's doing a
show in a small town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going
through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

A blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting,
"I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think
you can stereotype women in that way? What does the colour of a
person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys
like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in
the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person. You
and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only
blondes, but women in general - all in the name of humour."

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde
yells:
"You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little nuts
sitting on your knee!"

[deerhunter401]

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were
asking for the highly prized shoes.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle on prices" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a decent price!"

The shopkeeper said with a sly, knowing smile, "Little lady, y'all just go and give it a try, why don'cha!"

The blonde turned on her heel and headed out toward the swamps, determined to catch herself an alligator .

Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he pulls over to ! the side of the levee where he spots that same young woman standing waist deep in the murky bayou water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he spots a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning speed, she takes aim, kills the creature . . .and, with a great deal of effort, hauls it onto the slimy swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper stands on the bank and watches this scenario in amazed silence.

Just then, the blonde struggles and flips the gator on its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heaven-ward and screaming in great frustration, she shouts out, "Damn, this one is barefoot, too!"

[deerhunter401]

Golfer in Ireland

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked. "Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want
anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize. I really didn't mean to hit
you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and square that he got me, and I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want.... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is
back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

"Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guys says. "I just want to
ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. "In fact, that's the first bad ball
I've hit in a year! I'm an internationally famous golfer now."

He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankee. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. "I win fortunes in golf. If I
need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a day?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well, says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic Priest in a
small parish."

[deerhunter401]

A blonde walks into the doctors office with the end of her finger blown off and says to the doctor "can you please look at my finger I tried to commit suicide today and blew my finger off"
The doctor replies "How did you do that"

"Well I was going to shoot myself in the chest but then I remembered I just had $4000 breast implants and I did not want to ruin them. So I put the end of the gun in my mouth and then I remembered I just had $2000 worth of dental work done and I did not want to ruin that so I put the gun to my ear and thought this is going to be very loud so I plugged my ear with the finger on my other hand"

[deerhunter401]

alright im done for now